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I had a birthday watermelon. The first food I have eAten in a week. It was the best watermelon I have ever tasted. It tasted like being alive.

Pukiing up blood and bile, but it's not as common now. Still freezing my ass off in the sweltering desert. Cold sweats. Always a pleasure.

Also. My belly button seems to be a huge sore of some kind. It's really disgusting . I'm not sure why. It's near the incision but I am not sure what's up with that. It looks rather bad. I hope it's not an infection

considering the last five birthdays i have had.. that is really difficult to accomplish. It's actually a spectacular feat to top the last five awful birthdays i have had. i could tell you some stories but the person i used to be is quite dead now.

i've been taking asspirin and percocets on an empty stomach for almost a week. supposedly this shit can cause internal bleeding, but i can't put anything in my stomach. i tried to eat a cucumber. I can't stop throwing up bile. it is fantastic. am i still going to die? i don't even know at this point. i know that i am feeling worse, and not better.

i take turns alternating between freezing and sweating. the shivering makes me worry. the shivering i believe is what made the ER doctor worry. i was brought into the ER wrapped in blankets in 90 degree weather, convulsing.

i wear a little ankle bell that i never take off. i was shaking so hard that the tintinabulation of the bells was making emergency room music.

the last time i saw someone with these same symptoms. they died in a few months.

the pain is constant. it is so intense that there have been a few times when i thought it would be easier to end my life than go through this shit.

'analysis of biliary sludge' is written at the top of one of my discharge papers.
I told a friend i was waiting for my 'biliary sludge' to calm the fuck down. that combination of words is never one i thought i'd have to worry about.

this is a perfect ending to THE WORST FUCKING YEAR OF MY LIFE.

i have acute pancreatitis. and i don't even fucking drink!!! i quit drinking over 2 years ago.

I can't eat anymore.

My body cannot digest food. literally. i have not eaten in a week. i'm starving to death. if i don't die of pancreatitis first..

this is not a case of... ohhh. i can't eat all this pizza. i'm not hungry.. or ohhh. i cant eat that. i want ice cream instead.

this is more like my internal organs are literally shutting down kind of i can't eat, THINKING ABOUT FOOD MAKES ME GO INTO CONVULSIONS

i can't eat gluten, meat, dairy, fats, oils.. pretty much everything. i'm afraid that food will put me back into the hospital. having to eat makes me break down in tears.

a side of beef might actually kill me at the moment. curse facebookfriends for posting pictures of prime rib and mashed potatoes.
if i survive this shit, i'm going to be a vegetarian whether i like it or not.
I am in constant pain.. can barely move.. i spend every night in pain and wondering if i'm going to wake up the next day. but i'm still here.. accumulating the lulz.

don't even get me started on the shivering.. someone i knew died of pancreatitis.. well.. something very fucking similar... and they would always complain about feeling freezing.. NOW I KNOW WHAT THEY MEANT.

i havent even gotten to the good part, though.... oh you just wait.. INTERNET GOLD..

this was me six months ago. In a conservatory in Northern Europe.
I used to be a fairly bright, caring, gentle person.

a week ago i was in good health.. this week I might die.. who knows. life is a roulette wheel.

i decided to make a public blog mainly because i need to vent. it's fucking scary being in my shoes..

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All the Bright and Precious things They Fade So Fast

and they don't come back....

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